lol.

i only tok 5 fucking pills anyway. i can't even find the nerves to fucking kill myself. because i want to. we had to take our cardigans off today at dance. it was just me + leotard +tights = very very fat. i felt disgusting, i kept messing everything up because i as just thinking about how fat and disgusting i looked. ew.

i just want to withdraw from food entirely. i don't want to eat it, i don't to exercise, i don't want to care anymore.

bye.

erm yeah.

i can't do this anymore, i really can't. i've taken 4 paracetamol. i'm going to take more. i don't want to die, i just want it all to stop for a while. i feel disgusting, i am disgusting. i'm purging 20 times a fucking day. i can't do this. shit.

i don't want to die, i just want it to stop. what if i take too many and i die? will i care? shit. shit. shit.

we ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist.

i'm reading a book at the moment, my dad bought it for me. he knows that i'm interested in psycology, so he bought if for me so i could see what sort of things i would be studying if i chose to study it. it's a self help book, but he thought i might find it interesting. he didn't realise how much i relate to some of the things it says. the book is "the road less travelled" by M. Scott Peck, and apparently it's a worldwide bestseller. ooh...

anyway, here is one of my favourite quotations from the book so far;

"Most of us are not so wise. Fearing the pain involved, almost all of us, to a greater or lesser degree, attempt to avoid our problems. We procrastinate, hoping they will go away. We ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist. We even take drugs to assist us in ignoring them, so that by deadening the pain we can ignore the problems that cause the pain. We attempt to skirt around problems rather than face them head on. We attempt to get out of them rather than suffer through them."

I really like that. it's so true. nowadays, when people are depressed, they are put straight on Prozac or a similar antidepressant, and sent on their way. nobody seems to treat the actual problem. they treat the symptom - the depression - but not the root cause of that depression. and that's why so many people end up falling straight back into depression/eating disorders after treatment. because they treat some symptoms but not all. like with anorexia; they make you gain shit loads of weight, but don't talk about why you do this to yourself. there's no point treating half the problem.

Anyway, today wasn't too great. I was off sick from school. I genuinely thought I was ill, I honestly felt ill, but as soon as my parents left and I was on my own I felt miraculously fine... I think it was like anxiety or something. Idk. But anyway, I ate loads and purged loads.

First of all purged a piece of bread with jam and peanut butter

Then purged a piece of bread with sugar and butter (LAWL)

Then purged lemonade, because i felt bad

Then purged a creme egg

Then purged the same creme egg again

Then purged ice cream

Then ate more ice cream and purged it

Then purged some mini eggs

FUUUUCKSICLE. it was the most disgusting experience ever. *TMI ALERT* i hate purging in toilets or showers now cos i've been caught before, so i sat on my bed and purged in a plastic bag. but the bag stank so i ran to the bathroom and had to pour it in the toilet. ewwwwwwwww. i'm now basically lying in my own vomit. i feel ill.

why am i still alive?

Fuck.

So today wasn't a great day. i was feeling pretty bad all day cos my mum made me have a homemade smoothie for breakfast, and it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day, and i overate. then, just to make matters worse she came up to me (please bear in mind that last night i purged in the shower, and ended up trying to force it all down the drain)
mum: emma, have you been sick recently?
me: no...
mum: in the shower?
me: no...
mum: cos all food is coming up, i'll have to call a plumber. unless you were sick

so i kept denying it, but in the end i just said i was sick last night when everyone was out and didn't want to worry them cos i felt fine. and the only reason i denied it was because i thought she was going to have a big go at me for it. but i was planning on going to the gym, and i'm too afraid to ask now. she'll be like "so you were sick in the shower last night, now you're barely eating and working out loads. do you want to tell me something?" so i think i'll just go for a bike ride to "enjoy the lovely weather" or something :/ i wish i could just go to the gym. why did i eat so fricking much?!

the thing is, i didn't eat a ridiculous amount. 900 calories? too much for my ED, not enough for me. i just still can't decide to recover, i really don't think i'm ready. so i'm not. i wish i could, but i'm not. so now i feel bad that i ate so much. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

i want to die.

i don't know what to write.

my brain is a jumble.

every thought inside me is messed up.

i can't think.

why can't i think?

why can't i be normal?

why can't i be fucking happy?

i hated today, i don't know why. i gained half a pound. 0.5lbs. half of a pound. a minimal amount. and it put me in a shitttttty mood, so when my sister dragged me shopping i was not best pleased. i ended up getting pissed off with her, storming off and then standing in the corner of H&M desperately clawing at/biting the back of my hands, just to feel something. yeah. self harming in H&M.

pathetic.

then i got home, went to church, had tea. i could deal with it - just. then dad "treats" me to ice cream, with a meringue nest and sauce. i couldn't say no, he was so proud. so i ate it and freaked out and then purged for about an hour. i haven't purged in months. BUT I DID! and then i took 7 laxatives, like 2 hours ago so i'm going to up all fucking night shitting. fun way to spend a friday night....

so then i wanted it all to end. i just wanted to give up. i didn't see the point of living, so i got out my box of paracetamol and started counting. i was fully prepared to kill myself, then i spoke to the girls on Anabites. they put things in perspective and i put the pills away. I decided to do that 1 to 1 chat thing that Childline do (i know, i'm pathetic), but she wasn't very helpful. she just kept going "you need to get help" and i was like "i know, but i'm scared." "well be courageous, and get help. you need it!" I FUCKING KNOW I NEED IT. I AM ABOUT TO KILL MYSELF, I KNOW I NEED HELP. oh, and then to top it off, i mentioned something about feeling stupid because i didn't have a bmi of about 11. and she goes "well yeah, you're obviously not as ill as though people, but you need help before you get to that stage..." what the fuck. how does that help?! "you're not really that ill, but oh well." stupid cow.

so yeah. i think i'll be okay. i don't think i'm going to do anything stupid. but i just... i haven't reached this low many times. but it's happening more often, and that scares me shitless. one day i'm going to lose it, and end up dead.

goodnight.

"nothing tastes as good as..." YES IT FUCKING DOES.

apologies for the language in the title, but i'm peeved off. "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". now i'm not denying that i've used that in the past, I still do. but it irritates me. i'm not thin, i don't know how thin feels. but i DO know that ben&jerry's ice cream tastes freaking good. there's a few girls from my school who always post that as their facebook statuses. their not even anorexic. urgh.

ANYWAY!

intake was rather shitty today, not even going to write it here. i had a mini binge (2 teaspoons of honey and a slice of cheese with thai sweet chilli sauce - yah, i binge on weird food) but my lunch was worse. me and my sister were at home so we went to Tesco and bought smiley faces and chicken D: they were so yummy, but it was like 600 calories just for that. daaaamn.

then i went to the gym, burnt about 350 calories and then did a half hour walk home. i also took 6 laxatives, same as yesterday, and yesterday i lost 2.5lbs. i know it's water weight, i'm not stupid. but i don't care. the numbers going down, and that's what i need to see right now. so yeah, i'm a little peeved off, but i think i can handle it with cutting. i haven't cut in a loooong time (over two months i think? =D)

my mum totally pisses me off though. she came home from work and this was our conversation.

her: did you revise today?

me: yeah (this was actually true)

her: how much?

me: about 4 or 5 hours? (again, true)

her: *disappointed sigh*

me: what's up now?

her: do you want to pass your exams or not? all you seem to do is sit on your arse.

me: i did 5 hours revision!

her: when I was your age, i did about 10 hours a day, for weeks before

me: okay, and i don't?

her: you're going to fail emma

me: i have one gcse mother. it is not going to take me 1000 hours revision to learn it :| i do 100x more revision than anybody else i know, and you're still pushing me harder. what do you want from me?

her: for you to pass your gcse's.

eugh, i could have killed her. she seriously screws around my brain :|

love you all,

Emma xxxxx

off to the gym, you big fatass...

so, it sorta failed. my little food plan. i forgot my dad was working from home, so yeah. that failed epicly.

breakfast - rice cracker with hummus (100)

lunch - bread with cheese :( (295)

rice cracker with cream cheese x2 (100)

TOTAL SO FAR: 495

I was going to start the Couch to 5K today, but I'm going to the gym instead. It makes me feel better, i know exactly how many calories i've burned. but I might do the treadmill version of the C25K. I'm not sure, I'll decide. But yeah, I have to burn at least 495 cals at the gym, and then I'll eat around 400 cals for my dinner.

Thats all for now :)

Stay safe girls x

ps. i just took 6 laxatives too. oooops.

[EDIT] why the fudge aren't my laxatives working? :| it's been 4 hours, and nothing has happened. what's the point of taking them if they do fuck-all?! i just went to the gym and burnt 380cals - FAT ASS. then i ate tea which was like another 500. so total intake is 995, but i've burned 380 so... 615? ew.

i feel like death right now.

i want to die. but oh well, one day i'll be beautiful. i need to do this. i can't cope with what people expect me to do, i can't live up to these expectations. i'm a disappointment, a failure.

i need to be thin

i need to be beautiful

i need to be strong

i need to perfect

.

eating a fat piece of cake, eh!

as i write this, i am writing a homemade (aka sugary, fatty) piece of cake. oops. i lost 1.25lbs since yesterday, cos i took laxatives and stuff but now i've gained. it's shitty.

i am an effing fatty. i need to lose weight. i need to need to need to need to need to. i'm hoping to be like 120lbs by summer (LAWL AS IF!)

i don't even have anything else to write. i just need to go die.

i want to be 10lbs down by the end of april. that is all.

[EDIT] Tomorrows food plan;

breakfast - home alone, nothing

lunch - rice cake with small amount of low fat spreading cheese and a teaspoon of salsa (40 cals)

dinner - 400 cals

also i'm going to take about 4 laxatives. wooot :|

I make myself sick (no pun intended)...

sorry i've been gone for like a week. i've been.... away. okay, fine, i confess. i've been on a loooong binge (WOOO). basically, one night it all got too much, and i decided to recover. i'd just purged 3 times, over a 300 calorie meal, and taken 12 laxatives, and cut. I freaked out and decided to recover, so i started eating. well, when i start eating, i binge. and i was alright with it, because i just told myself i was recovering. i do this all the fucking time. i'm like "you can have that 2000 calorie meal, because your in recovery!" (exaggeration, but you know what i mean!) anyway, i've gained a lootttt of weight, so i'm back to restricting. i had about 2,500 calories today, but i've just taken 11 laxies, so they should start working soon, fingers crossed!

also, another issue. god, i sound so sick saying this, but oh well. basically, three girls in my year have now been hospitalised for anorexia (one in year 8, one in year 9, and one this year, year 10). do i feel sorry for them? yeah, a little. am i jealous? fuck yes. i don't know why i'm jealous, i mean, i know how hard it is to have an ED. but they're getting help. people see how sick they are, and they help the. nobody would even believe i was sick. plus, they have so much more self control than me.

i wish i was stronger.

Skinny Girl Diet:)

Helloooooo! :)

so, some of you may have noticed, if you look above (^^^^) that i'm planning a "back to school 2011" diet, which you may join in on if you so wish! but i've decided that that plan is too vague, and i need a structured diet to follow! so here is my new diet!

So yeah, as you can see I changed some of the days because they have to fit around my dance classes and stuff. Because on a Monday and Saturday, I do 3 hours dance, so I can't have 100 calories, or I'd collapse!

Also, if I'm going to be going out for a meal with my parents or something, I can switch a day. Say like, I'm going for a meal on a Monday, I can swap my Monday cals with my Saturday cals, as long as through the week, I get the same amount of calories. you get me?

Finally, the unlimited fruits and vegetables. These always cause discussions because people say fruit has lots of sugar and can have quite a lot of calories in. This is true, so I'm putting a cap on the amount of fruit I have. I'm limiting myself to a small apple, and one other serving of fruit per day. If I'm not losing enough weight, I'll limit if further. Vegetables will still be unlimited though.

Has anybody else done the Skinny Girl Diet (the normal one)? If you have, let me know how you got on, and how much weight you lost!

I purged twice yesterday. My first purges of 2011.... yay(!) First time I binged, second time I just purged my dinner because I was in a bad mood. But I also took 7 laxatives, and lost 2lbs, since yesterday! :D I'm hoping for a similar weight loss by tomorrow (but I've not decided whether to take laxies again or not... so if I don't take them, I won't lose as much). I'm thinking of not taking anymore laxatives until the weekend because I don't want my body to rely on them, and also I still haven't worked out how long they take to work. I keep getting my timing wrong an they start working at 3 in the morning :| and I have school tomorrow so a) I need sleep and b) I'm not going to the toilet in school!

Anyway, I'm off to my parent review day, where basically your parents come in and talk to all your teachers. Considering I'm getting D's in most things at the moment, I'm not excited about this. Plus, my chemistry teacher thinks there's someting up with me, and can see my grades are dropping, so if she says anything, I swear I'll punch her :|

Hope your day is great, my lovelys! Also, if you have any questions for me, just ask! :D

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My ED "Toolbox"

Hey girls and guys!

Here's a few pictures of my ED box. in here, I basically have all sorts of things that I use regularly, but can't let other people find, since they're related to my eating disorder. I think the box is a great idea, as it keeps all your things together so you don't have to go hunting for them, but make sure you hide the box well!

This idea can also be applied to recovery; you can have a box with things you need for recovery. letters from friends and family, expl

aining why they want you to get better, pictures of you at a healthier weight, reasons to eat, yummy food ideas, things like that!

En

joy! if you want to make one, take a few pictures and let me know

!:)

List of what's in it:

-small notebook (the purple one with flowers); this was my 2010 food/weight diary

- 2011 diary (pink); my 2011 food/weight diary

-Andrews Salts (weak laxatives, don't use them anymore they don't work, but I used to use them)

- Dulcolax laxatives

- Sugarfree Jelly

- Sugarfree Polos

- Nail file (for distraction)

- Pen

- 5 ibuprofen

- 2 paracetamol

- "Secrets" notecards

I also have a self harm one with like "equipment for self harm" (not saying what), plasters, paracetamol, ibuprofen etc, but im not posting that on here:)

anyway, my day was alright today i think. well no, actually, it wasn't that great.

i bought some new laxatives, and THEY'RE A BIT PILE OF SHITE (no pun intended, ha). seriously, i took 4 (recommended dosage is 1-2) and they've done nothing. fml.

lots of love,

Emma! <3

What Movie Genre is Your Life?

ROMANCE
[ ] You've had the same boyfriend all through high school till now
[x ] You've fallen in love with your best friend (and him/her has fallen as well)
[ ] Danielle Steel novels are your favourite
[x ] You've had a secret admirer before
[] Your favorite kiss is the jumping on someone and kissing them deeply
[x] You love flowers
[x ] You like pop and country
[x ] You dream about the perfect wedding
[] Red or pink are one of your favorite colours (the colour of the heart)
[] You've had a guy friend/boyfriend paint your toenails before for you
[x ] You base who you'll date on how they compare to romance movies/novels
[x ] Someone you never thought would fall for you has fallen for you before.
Total: 7

COMEDY
[x ] You're well known as being a ditz
[x] You are or were the class clown
[x] You don't go a day without laughing
[x] You've embarassed yourself in front of a large group of people
[x] You're not a very serious person
[x] You crack jokes all the time
[x] People say you're really hyper.
[ ] Dane Cook is a silly bitch!
[] You like to pull pranks on people
[x] You always find the funny part of things
[x] Your life isn't perfectly planned out
[ ] Your the "spur" of the moment type person
Total: 9

DRAMA
[x ] You've spread a rumor about a friend/someone else
[x ] Someone has spread a rumour about you
[x ] You're very emotional
[x ] Theres lots of twists in your life
[ x] You're pessimistic
[x] You LOVE to get revenge
[x ] You always need to get to the bottom of things
[x ] If someone said something about you, you'd confront them about it
[] You like to/or have friends in big groups
[x ] You can't keep secrets
[ ] People tell you not to be too serious all the time
[ ] You've cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend before
Total: 9

TRAGEDY
[x] You have some form of disorder/illness
[ ] You've lost more than 4 people in your family/friends to death
[x] You've been suicidal before
[x ] You cry a lot
[x ] You're always listening to sad music
[ x] You feel like everyone is always against you
[x ] The unexpected makes you nervous
[ ] You like to bully/pick on other people
[ ] Someone getting hurt amuses you
[x ] You screw up a lot, or at least feel like you do.
[x ] People always seem to let you down.
Total: 8

HORROR
[x ] You have very vivid/scary dreams.
[x] Scaring people is fun
[ ] You've witnessed a murder/someone dying.
[ ] You always feel like someone is watching you
[ ] You LOVE being scared.
[ ] Horror movies are your favourite.
[ ] You'd like to be a ghost watcher/finder.
[] Vampires are so cool!
[ ] Loud screaming music is your thing.
[x ] You're a very timid person (get scared easily)
[x] When the phone rings, you always expect the worst.
Total: 4

CLASSIC
[x] You have good morals
[x ] You're still a virgin
[ ] You believe in marriage before sex
[] You like black and white better than color
[x ] You like dressing up really fancy
[x] You think guys should still hold doors open for you
[x] Men should approach women.
[x] Marriage is something that should be taken very seriously, and for the long haul, no matter what happens.
[ ] You wear very little makeup
[ ] You're music taste is very 60's/70's and 80's.
Total: 6

ACTION
[ ] You're always on the move
[ ] You always start fist fights
[ ] You've wished to be some sort of super hero before.
[ ] You like watching/taping fights
[ ] Wrestling is one of your favorite things to watch
[x] You've always got a comeback to something someone has said.
[ ] You think you're tough
[ ] The unexpected excites you.
[ ] You're very daring
[ ] You've been bungee jumping/or would go bungee jumping.
[x] You've survived something tragic.
Total: 2

PORN
[] You're always thinking about sex
[ ] You're very kinky
[] Sex is okay without loving someone
[ ] Sex is fun, anytime of the day.
[] You've done more than 5 sexual positions
[] It's all about foreplay!
[ ] Screw kissing, let's just get to it!
[] You've been tied up
[ ] You've had more than one partner at the same time during intercourse.
[ ] You have songs that you put on to get "in the mood"
[] You've had one of your biggest sexual fantasies fufilled
Total: 0

MUSICAL/THEATRICAL
[x ] You express yourself through some form of dancing
[x] You're always breaking out into song
[x] People can tell what mood you're in by the type of music you're listening to
[x] People tell you that you're pretty random most of the time
[x] You're always smiling
[x] You're very dramatic
[x] You like to dress up
[x ] You hope to become an actor/actress
[x] You love to dance!
[x ] You're good at doing impersonations.
[x] You over exaggerate a lot.
Total: 11

My life is a MUSICAL! :D not too surprised really, I love musical theatre <3

So anyway, now for a more general update. I got back from Belgium today. It was alright, I ate a kind of average amount, not too much. But we had a ginormous meal on the way back, I had a burger and chips. Hid half the chips in my napkin like, but still. Going to buy some new laxies tomorrow so hopefully all will be in order by the time I return to school on Thursday. I'm dreading it. I have my parent review day on Wednesday and I'm wetting myself. My parents are used to bad reports about me, but this is even worse. Like, so much worse!

But you know what? Life goes on.

Haha, New Year was eventful! I'm only 15, but in Belgium I'm allowed to drink. So my cousin and her friends decided to see just how drunk they could get me. Well.... they got me drunk. Very, very drunk! It was so amusing, but I ended up being sick in several bushes. Vodka shots + Emma = Not a good combination!

Love you all, I hope 2011 is an amazing year for you,

Emma

xxxx