13 Thursday... I mean Friday...

So, there's a new "tag" going around where you make a list of 13 things every thursday. they can be any things e.g. "13 i like to eat" or "13 things going through my mind right now". so i decided to do it but i only dounf out about it today, so yeah... its not Thursday, but who cares?! and besides, its my lucky number (13) so i just have to do it!

13 things I want to do/achieve in 2011

1) reach my GW of 112lbs

2) stick to my exercise routine (50 sit ups, 50 leg lifts on each leg, 50 squats - once in morning, once at night)

3) get an A* in my science modules, and in my RE GCSE

4) stop wishing for things i'll never have

5) try not to complain as much (ha, never going to happen!)

6) stop getting jealous so easily

7) only eat chocolate/crisps/ice cream once per week

8) stop purging and cutting

9) don't get in as much trouble at school....

10) be more active and enthusiastic about things

11) leave the house more often

12) improve my pointe - practice at least twice a week

13) lose as much weight as possible!

okay, so those were 13 shitty things. i won't even do half of them. but oh well, i'll try. this will be my last update before 2011 offically starts so;

I hope 2011 is a good year for you, and please all stay safe!

love love love,

Emma

Simply having a wonderful christmas time (HA!)

Well.

Christmas was not particularly fun! i spent about 2 hours on christmas monring working out because i knew i'd have to eat a lot and my laxatives weren't working very well. so then i ate, then spent the evening praying that i wouldn't kill myself. it was horrific.

then on boxing day i ate a lot of food, and today i ate burger king, curry, everything. its disgusting. i've gained so much weight.

also, i think my cousin might have an eating disorder. i'm so worried about her. she tried on a pair of size 8 jeans and they didn't fit, so she got a size 10 and was really upset about it. but i mean, she used to be a size 16 last time i saw her, and that was only about 2 months ago. and yesterday she just had a bit of salad and a quarter of a sandwich, and a few chocolates. and today she just had a teeny bit of rice. and this is the girl who once ate an entire tub of ice cream with me, who used to have races with her sister of who could eat a giant hot dog the fastest.

but the thing is, my first reaction wasn't to worry about her. no. are you ready? it was jealousy. i was fucking JEALOUS that she had more self control than me, and she'd lost more weight than me. how messed up am i?!

anyway, i don't want to write anymore, i just want to forget all this ever happened.

i hope you all had a good christmas, i love you all. thanks for following by the way, please comment with any questions or whatever! :)

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Christmas has officially started....

Well...

the Christmas period has certainly started for me. i ate waaaaaay too much! and its not even Christmas Eve yet. wtf? so, "what did you eat?" i hear you ask. well, if you really want to know...

Breakfast - none

Lunch - homemade vegetable soup - 50

1/6 of quiche - 150

And then it all started to get messy

Snack - Doritos - 250

Dinner - Omlette - 200

Oven chips - 300

As well as half a barcardi breezer and like 5 chocolate liquers. oh dear.

And tomorrow it's Christmas Eve. Well, Christmas Eve is a large event in our family. We head to Church around 4.30 and then afterwards we have a full on meal. You know, little nibbles to start with, then a main course and a dessert. not good. we're having loads of crisps and stuff before our meal, then a big sit down meal. then for dessert we're having a cheese board, which i love love love but have a lot lot lot of calories. EW.

and then for Christmas Day we're obviously having a Christmas dinner and then loads of chocolates and all that stuff. i'm dreading it. I want to enjoy it, but i know that even if i enjoy it at the time, i'll regret it later. but if i sit around not eating, then i'll not have a fun christmas, and christmas is only once a year. so i can't decide what to do. MEH.

anything interesting happen for you guys?

love love love,

Emma <3

I wish I never had to grow up...

Weight: 159.2lbs

Listening to: Tied together with a smile - Taylor Swift

hey,

today in the queue at costco, there was a woman holding her newborn son (who I later found out was only two weeks old and was called Billy! bless him...). this little boy spent the full fifteen minutes with his eyes shut tight, oblivious to everyone around him smiling at him, talking about him. i wish i had that kind of innocence nowadays. i wish i didn't have to grow up, and i could still be a tiny little baby with no cares in the world. it was just so easy. close your eyes and you didn't have to see bad things. now, even if i close my eyes to all the bad things i see, i feel worse things inside.

anyway, enough soppy rubbish!

today's intake:

activia yoghurt: 123cals

costco chicken and bacon wrap (ew): 700 fucking calories.

oh. my. god.

i only just checked out the calories on that chicken wrap and that is bloody disgsuting. like.... EW.

i was planning on purging it, but the bathroom is right opposite my sisters room and she'd hear everything. i tried running the shower and the bath but it would still be heard :/

now i feel like i'm going to throw up, even though i ate that wrap like four hours ago. 700 calories?! what is IN that shit?!

i think i'm going to go and finish watching THIN now. I got up to about part 8 yesterday, where Polly got kicked out. i was really angry about that; how can they just give up on her like that? yeah, okay, she was damaging other patients recovery but couldn't they of sent her somewhere else or something, instead of just kicking her out. they basically just gave up on her, because she was "too much trouble" and a "bad seed". Rest in peace Polly <3

Quote of the day: "you will bring beauty from the pain"

Umm...yeah. Thinspiration :)

umm yeah... so. my stupid blogspot totally isn't letting me upload pictures onto my thinspiration page, so I'll put them here for now. Because I really need to share some thinspo right now!
i will have hip bones. i will have a gap between my thighs. i will have visible ribs. i will be thin. i will be beautiful.

dear santa...

Weight: 160lbs

Listening to: Beauty from Pain by Superchick

Dear santa,

there's only one thing I'd like this Christmas. I'd like to be beautiful. Now. I just wish I could be beautiful and happy. Is that really too much to ask?

Love, Emma.

I know, I know, I'm totally lame. But I just... I'm so desperate. I wish all this could over and I could just be beautiful. Why can't it be easy? Why can't somebody notice all the pain I have hidden inside of me? I wish I was fucking pretty....

I can't live with myself like this. I hate the way clothes look on me; they always look so much better on my skinny friends. I hate the way I look in a leotard. In our ballet class, I refuse to take off my cardigan, no matter how hot it is, because I feel too fat. I'll be dripping in sweat, but I'd rather that than to have people see my flabby stomach.

A girl in my dance class (I teach dance to some of the 2-7 year olds, bless them!) who I've known for years, she's about 7, asked me if I was going to have a baby the other day. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I felt disgusting. I know I've been binging lately, but hell - pregnant?! I was so embarrassed and I just mumbled "no" and walked away. I feel so horrible. So, I've set myself some new targets.

Height: 5'7"

Current weight: 160lbs [BMI: 25]

Goal weight one: 154lbs [ BMI: 24.1] - hopefully by 2011

Goal weight two: 147lbs [BMI: 23.0]

Goal weight three: 140lbs [BMI: 21.9] - hopefully by beginning of February

Goal weight four: 133lbs [BMI: 20.8]

Goal weight five: 126lbs [BMI: 19.7] - hopefully by mid March

Goal weight six: 119lbs [BMI: 18.6]

Goal weight seven: 112lbs [ BMI: 17.5 = UNDERWEIGHT!] - hopefully by end of April

I watched 'Sharing the Secret' yesterday. It's about Beth, a girl with bulimia, and her mother who is a child psychologist but misses all the signs of her own daughters eating disorder. There's one scene where Beth is screaming at her mum "It's not about you" which is absolutely heart-wrenching, and actually painful to watch. It's an amazing film and I definitely advise anyone to watch it! :)

I love you all <3

xxxxxxx

allow me to introduce myself :)

hello there!

i'm emma, and i'm a fifteen year old girl who lives in England. i'm in year 10, and am studying for my gcse's.

thirteen fast facts!

one. i have had an eating disorder for the past 2.5 years.

two. i don't know what ED i have. i binge, purge, starve, you name it.

three. i hate labels.

four. i have also suffered depression and self harm for 3 years.

five. i care too much about what others think of me.

six. i play guitar and piano, as well as singing and writing my own songs.

seven. i hope to someday become a successful singer/songwriter.

eight. taylor swift is my musical inspiration.

nine. i have OCD, which leads me to do lots of weird things.

ten. one of these is breathing out when i walk past a bin, otherwise the smell contaminates me.

eleven. i am quite clever and a perfectionist, and think this is why i got an eating disorder.

twelve. i also blame my mum.

thirteen. thirteen is my lucky number :)

"no matter where you run, you're only gonna end up running into yourself"

i am a dancer; modern, disco, tap and ballet. i love all styles of dance, but I feel like it's a dead end for me because i'm too fat to be a dancer. have you ever seen a fat dancer?

i'm on pointe, but i hate it because i can't do it and everyone else in my class can, and i blame that on how fat i am.

i have tried self-recovery three times, but i always relapse.

so now i've given up. im just listening to my eating disorder from now on, and doing whatever it wants me to do.