Listening to: Beauty from Pain by Superchick
Dear santa,
there's only one thing I'd like this Christmas. I'd like to be beautiful. Now. I just wish I could be beautiful and happy. Is that really too much to ask?
Love, Emma.
I know, I know, I'm totally lame. But I just... I'm so desperate. I wish all this could over and I could just be beautiful. Why can't it be easy? Why can't somebody notice all the pain I have hidden inside of me? I wish I was fucking pretty....
I can't live with myself like this. I hate the way clothes look on me; they always look so much better on my skinny friends. I hate the way I look in a leotard. In our ballet class, I refuse to take off my cardigan, no matter how hot it is, because I feel too fat. I'll be dripping in sweat, but I'd rather that than to have people see my flabby stomach.
A girl in my dance class (I teach dance to some of the 2-7 year olds, bless them!) who I've known for years, she's about 7, asked me if I was going to have a baby the other day. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I felt disgusting. I know I've been binging lately, but hell - pregnant?! I was so embarrassed and I just mumbled "no" and walked away. I feel so horrible. So, I've set myself some new targets.
Height: 5'7"
Current weight: 160lbs [BMI: 25]
Goal weight one: 154lbs [ BMI: 24.1] - hopefully by 2011
Goal weight two: 147lbs [BMI: 23.0]
Goal weight three: 140lbs [BMI: 21.9] - hopefully by beginning of February
Goal weight four: 133lbs [BMI: 20.8]
Goal weight five: 126lbs [BMI: 19.7] - hopefully by mid March
Goal weight six: 119lbs [BMI: 18.6]
Goal weight seven: 112lbs [ BMI: 17.5 = UNDERWEIGHT!] - hopefully by end of April
I watched 'Sharing the Secret' yesterday. It's about Beth, a girl with bulimia, and her mother who is a child psychologist but misses all the signs of her own daughters eating disorder. There's one scene where Beth is screaming at her mum "It's not about you" which is absolutely heart-wrenching, and actually painful to watch. It's an amazing film and I definitely advise anyone to watch it! :)
I love you all <3
xxxxxxx
Hi Emma :)
ReplyDeleteI was just stumbling through blogger and found your site.
Merry Christmas!
Reading your post made me so sad. I'm 20 and a second year at Leicester Uni. I've often felt, and still feel many of the feelings you feel.
I don't have an ED but I'm insecure and, like you, I always wear a cardi. I am never without my cardi, even in the heights of summer. I've got a medical condition that needs me to lose weight but the condition means its really tricky to lose weight! It's so frustrating. Anyway, I'm not sure why I'm telling you this.
I guess I want you to know you aren't alone. There is a lot of pain hidden inside that I have no outlet for. It just builds and builds until my world crumbled around me. I've become depressed, I've binged. It's all a struggle.
But you don't need to stand for it at all. I think you look very pretty. All your hidden feelings are manifesting themselves into a belief you are less of a person than you are. You don't have to listen to that voice inside you.
I'm sorry for just stumbling about but I felt like I might help. I hope that's okay.
Hugs xxx Aria