Friday, 8 April 2011

i want to die.

i don't know what to write.
my brain is a jumble.
every thought inside me is messed up.
i can't think.
why can't i think?
why can't i be normal?
why can't i be fucking happy?

i hated today, i don't know why. i gained half a pound. 0.5lbs. half of a pound. a minimal amount. and it put me in a shitttttty mood, so when my sister dragged me shopping i was not best pleased. i ended up getting pissed off with her, storming off and then standing in the corner of H&M desperately clawing at/biting the back of my hands, just to feel something. yeah. self harming in H&M.

pathetic.

then i got home, went to church, had tea. i could deal with it - just. then dad "treats" me to ice cream, with a meringue nest and sauce. i couldn't say no, he was so proud. so i ate it and freaked out and then purged for about an hour. i haven't purged in months. BUT I DID! and then i took 7 laxatives, like 2 hours ago so i'm going to up all fucking night shitting. fun way to spend a friday night....

so then i wanted it all to end. i just wanted to give up. i didn't see the point of living, so i got out my box of paracetamol and started counting. i was fully prepared to kill myself, then i spoke to the girls on Anabites. they put things in perspective and i put the pills away. I decided to do that 1 to 1 chat thing that Childline do (i know, i'm pathetic), but she wasn't very helpful. she just kept going "you need to get help" and i was like "i know, but i'm scared." "well be courageous, and get help. you need it!" I FUCKING KNOW I NEED IT. I AM ABOUT TO KILL MYSELF, I KNOW I NEED HELP. oh, and then to top it off, i mentioned something about feeling stupid because i didn't have a bmi of about 11. and she goes "well yeah, you're obviously not as ill as though people, but you need help before you get to that stage..." what the fuck. how does that help?! "you're not really that ill, but oh well." stupid cow.

so yeah. i think i'll be okay. i don't think i'm going to do anything stupid. but i just... i haven't reached this low many times. but it's happening more often, and that scares me shitless. one day i'm going to lose it, and end up dead.

goodnight.

1 comment:

  1. If you are down, instead of chatting with Childline (who always just say the same thing) you can chat with me. I hope you are feeling better... happy thoughts!

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