we ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist.

i'm reading a book at the moment, my dad bought it for me. he knows that i'm interested in psycology, so he bought if for me so i could see what sort of things i would be studying if i chose to study it. it's a self help book, but he thought i might find it interesting. he didn't realise how much i relate to some of the things it says. the book is "the road less travelled" by M. Scott Peck, and apparently it's a worldwide bestseller. ooh...

anyway, here is one of my favourite quotations from the book so far;

"Most of us are not so wise. Fearing the pain involved, almost all of us, to a greater or lesser degree, attempt to avoid our problems. We procrastinate, hoping they will go away. We ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist. We even take drugs to assist us in ignoring them, so that by deadening the pain we can ignore the problems that cause the pain. We attempt to skirt around problems rather than face them head on. We attempt to get out of them rather than suffer through them."

I really like that. it's so true. nowadays, when people are depressed, they are put straight on Prozac or a similar antidepressant, and sent on their way. nobody seems to treat the actual problem. they treat the symptom - the depression - but not the root cause of that depression. and that's why so many people end up falling straight back into depression/eating disorders after treatment. because they treat some symptoms but not all. like with anorexia; they make you gain shit loads of weight, but don't talk about why you do this to yourself. there's no point treating half the problem.

Anyway, today wasn't too great. I was off sick from school. I genuinely thought I was ill, I honestly felt ill, but as soon as my parents left and I was on my own I felt miraculously fine... I think it was like anxiety or something. Idk. But anyway, I ate loads and purged loads.

First of all purged a piece of bread with jam and peanut butter

Then purged a piece of bread with sugar and butter (LAWL)

Then purged lemonade, because i felt bad

Then purged a creme egg

Then purged the same creme egg again

Then purged ice cream

Then ate more ice cream and purged it

Then purged some mini eggs

FUUUUCKSICLE. it was the most disgusting experience ever. *TMI ALERT* i hate purging in toilets or showers now cos i've been caught before, so i sat on my bed and purged in a plastic bag. but the bag stank so i ran to the bathroom and had to pour it in the toilet. ewwwwwwwww. i'm now basically lying in my own vomit. i feel ill.

why am i still alive?