Fuck.

So today wasn't a great day. i was feeling pretty bad all day cos my mum made me have a homemade smoothie for breakfast, and it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day, and i overate. then, just to make matters worse she came up to me (please bear in mind that last night i purged in the shower, and ended up trying to force it all down the drain)
mum: emma, have you been sick recently?
me: no...
mum: in the shower?
me: no...
mum: cos all food is coming up, i'll have to call a plumber. unless you were sick

so i kept denying it, but in the end i just said i was sick last night when everyone was out and didn't want to worry them cos i felt fine. and the only reason i denied it was because i thought she was going to have a big go at me for it. but i was planning on going to the gym, and i'm too afraid to ask now. she'll be like "so you were sick in the shower last night, now you're barely eating and working out loads. do you want to tell me something?" so i think i'll just go for a bike ride to "enjoy the lovely weather" or something :/ i wish i could just go to the gym. why did i eat so fricking much?!

the thing is, i didn't eat a ridiculous amount. 900 calories? too much for my ED, not enough for me. i just still can't decide to recover, i really don't think i'm ready. so i'm not. i wish i could, but i'm not. so now i feel bad that i ate so much. FUCK FUCK FUCK.