we ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist.

i'm reading a book at the moment, my dad bought it for me. he knows that i'm interested in psycology, so he bought if for me so i could see what sort of things i would be studying if i chose to study it. it's a self help book, but he thought i might find it interesting. he didn't realise how much i relate to some of the things it says. the book is "the road less travelled" by M. Scott Peck, and apparently it's a worldwide bestseller. ooh...

anyway, here is one of my favourite quotations from the book so far;

"Most of us are not so wise. Fearing the pain involved, almost all of us, to a greater or lesser degree, attempt to avoid our problems. We procrastinate, hoping they will go away. We ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist. We even take drugs to assist us in ignoring them, so that by deadening the pain we can ignore the problems that cause the pain. We attempt to skirt around problems rather than face them head on. We attempt to get out of them rather than suffer through them."

I really like that. it's so true. nowadays, when people are depressed, they are put straight on Prozac or a similar antidepressant, and sent on their way. nobody seems to treat the actual problem. they treat the symptom - the depression - but not the root cause of that depression. and that's why so many people end up falling straight back into depression/eating disorders after treatment. because they treat some symptoms but not all. like with anorexia; they make you gain shit loads of weight, but don't talk about why you do this to yourself. there's no point treating half the problem.

Anyway, today wasn't too great. I was off sick from school. I genuinely thought I was ill, I honestly felt ill, but as soon as my parents left and I was on my own I felt miraculously fine... I think it was like anxiety or something. Idk. But anyway, I ate loads and purged loads.

First of all purged a piece of bread with jam and peanut butter

Then purged a piece of bread with sugar and butter (LAWL)

Then purged lemonade, because i felt bad

Then purged a creme egg

Then purged the same creme egg again

Then purged ice cream

Then ate more ice cream and purged it

Then purged some mini eggs

FUUUUCKSICLE. it was the most disgusting experience ever. *TMI ALERT* i hate purging in toilets or showers now cos i've been caught before, so i sat on my bed and purged in a plastic bag. but the bag stank so i ran to the bathroom and had to pour it in the toilet. ewwwwwwwww. i'm now basically lying in my own vomit. i feel ill.

why am i still alive?

Fuck.

So today wasn't a great day. i was feeling pretty bad all day cos my mum made me have a homemade smoothie for breakfast, and it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day, and i overate. then, just to make matters worse she came up to me (please bear in mind that last night i purged in the shower, and ended up trying to force it all down the drain)
mum: emma, have you been sick recently?
me: no...
mum: in the shower?
me: no...
mum: cos all food is coming up, i'll have to call a plumber. unless you were sick

so i kept denying it, but in the end i just said i was sick last night when everyone was out and didn't want to worry them cos i felt fine. and the only reason i denied it was because i thought she was going to have a big go at me for it. but i was planning on going to the gym, and i'm too afraid to ask now. she'll be like "so you were sick in the shower last night, now you're barely eating and working out loads. do you want to tell me something?" so i think i'll just go for a bike ride to "enjoy the lovely weather" or something :/ i wish i could just go to the gym. why did i eat so fricking much?!

the thing is, i didn't eat a ridiculous amount. 900 calories? too much for my ED, not enough for me. i just still can't decide to recover, i really don't think i'm ready. so i'm not. i wish i could, but i'm not. so now i feel bad that i ate so much. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

i want to die.

i don't know what to write.

my brain is a jumble.

every thought inside me is messed up.

i can't think.

why can't i think?

why can't i be normal?

why can't i be fucking happy?

i hated today, i don't know why. i gained half a pound. 0.5lbs. half of a pound. a minimal amount. and it put me in a shitttttty mood, so when my sister dragged me shopping i was not best pleased. i ended up getting pissed off with her, storming off and then standing in the corner of H&M desperately clawing at/biting the back of my hands, just to feel something. yeah. self harming in H&M.

pathetic.

then i got home, went to church, had tea. i could deal with it - just. then dad "treats" me to ice cream, with a meringue nest and sauce. i couldn't say no, he was so proud. so i ate it and freaked out and then purged for about an hour. i haven't purged in months. BUT I DID! and then i took 7 laxatives, like 2 hours ago so i'm going to up all fucking night shitting. fun way to spend a friday night....

so then i wanted it all to end. i just wanted to give up. i didn't see the point of living, so i got out my box of paracetamol and started counting. i was fully prepared to kill myself, then i spoke to the girls on Anabites. they put things in perspective and i put the pills away. I decided to do that 1 to 1 chat thing that Childline do (i know, i'm pathetic), but she wasn't very helpful. she just kept going "you need to get help" and i was like "i know, but i'm scared." "well be courageous, and get help. you need it!" I FUCKING KNOW I NEED IT. I AM ABOUT TO KILL MYSELF, I KNOW I NEED HELP. oh, and then to top it off, i mentioned something about feeling stupid because i didn't have a bmi of about 11. and she goes "well yeah, you're obviously not as ill as though people, but you need help before you get to that stage..." what the fuck. how does that help?! "you're not really that ill, but oh well." stupid cow.

so yeah. i think i'll be okay. i don't think i'm going to do anything stupid. but i just... i haven't reached this low many times. but it's happening more often, and that scares me shitless. one day i'm going to lose it, and end up dead.

goodnight.

"nothing tastes as good as..." YES IT FUCKING DOES.

apologies for the language in the title, but i'm peeved off. "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". now i'm not denying that i've used that in the past, I still do. but it irritates me. i'm not thin, i don't know how thin feels. but i DO know that ben&jerry's ice cream tastes freaking good. there's a few girls from my school who always post that as their facebook statuses. their not even anorexic. urgh.

ANYWAY!

intake was rather shitty today, not even going to write it here. i had a mini binge (2 teaspoons of honey and a slice of cheese with thai sweet chilli sauce - yah, i binge on weird food) but my lunch was worse. me and my sister were at home so we went to Tesco and bought smiley faces and chicken D: they were so yummy, but it was like 600 calories just for that. daaaamn.

then i went to the gym, burnt about 350 calories and then did a half hour walk home. i also took 6 laxatives, same as yesterday, and yesterday i lost 2.5lbs. i know it's water weight, i'm not stupid. but i don't care. the numbers going down, and that's what i need to see right now. so yeah, i'm a little peeved off, but i think i can handle it with cutting. i haven't cut in a loooong time (over two months i think? =D)

my mum totally pisses me off though. she came home from work and this was our conversation.

her: did you revise today?

me: yeah (this was actually true)

her: how much?

me: about 4 or 5 hours? (again, true)

her: *disappointed sigh*

me: what's up now?

her: do you want to pass your exams or not? all you seem to do is sit on your arse.

me: i did 5 hours revision!

her: when I was your age, i did about 10 hours a day, for weeks before

me: okay, and i don't?

her: you're going to fail emma

me: i have one gcse mother. it is not going to take me 1000 hours revision to learn it :| i do 100x more revision than anybody else i know, and you're still pushing me harder. what do you want from me?

her: for you to pass your gcse's.

eugh, i could have killed her. she seriously screws around my brain :|

love you all,

Emma xxxxx

off to the gym, you big fatass...

so, it sorta failed. my little food plan. i forgot my dad was working from home, so yeah. that failed epicly.

breakfast - rice cracker with hummus (100)

lunch - bread with cheese :( (295)

rice cracker with cream cheese x2 (100)

TOTAL SO FAR: 495

I was going to start the Couch to 5K today, but I'm going to the gym instead. It makes me feel better, i know exactly how many calories i've burned. but I might do the treadmill version of the C25K. I'm not sure, I'll decide. But yeah, I have to burn at least 495 cals at the gym, and then I'll eat around 400 cals for my dinner.

Thats all for now :)

Stay safe girls x

ps. i just took 6 laxatives too. oooops.

[EDIT] why the fudge aren't my laxatives working? :| it's been 4 hours, and nothing has happened. what's the point of taking them if they do fuck-all?! i just went to the gym and burnt 380cals - FAT ASS. then i ate tea which was like another 500. so total intake is 995, but i've burned 380 so... 615? ew.

i feel like death right now.

i want to die. but oh well, one day i'll be beautiful. i need to do this. i can't cope with what people expect me to do, i can't live up to these expectations. i'm a disappointment, a failure.

i need to be thin

i need to be beautiful

i need to be strong

i need to perfect

.

eating a fat piece of cake, eh!

as i write this, i am writing a homemade (aka sugary, fatty) piece of cake. oops. i lost 1.25lbs since yesterday, cos i took laxatives and stuff but now i've gained. it's shitty.

i am an effing fatty. i need to lose weight. i need to need to need to need to need to. i'm hoping to be like 120lbs by summer (LAWL AS IF!)

i don't even have anything else to write. i just need to go die.

i want to be 10lbs down by the end of april. that is all.

[EDIT] Tomorrows food plan;

breakfast - home alone, nothing

lunch - rice cake with small amount of low fat spreading cheese and a teaspoon of salsa (40 cals)

dinner - 400 cals

also i'm going to take about 4 laxatives. wooot :|