I make myself sick (no pun intended)...

sorry i've been gone for like a week. i've been.... away. okay, fine, i confess. i've been on a loooong binge (WOOO). basically, one night it all got too much, and i decided to recover. i'd just purged 3 times, over a 300 calorie meal, and taken 12 laxatives, and cut. I freaked out and decided to recover, so i started eating. well, when i start eating, i binge. and i was alright with it, because i just told myself i was recovering. i do this all the fucking time. i'm like "you can have that 2000 calorie meal, because your in recovery!" (exaggeration, but you know what i mean!) anyway, i've gained a lootttt of weight, so i'm back to restricting. i had about 2,500 calories today, but i've just taken 11 laxies, so they should start working soon, fingers crossed!

also, another issue. god, i sound so sick saying this, but oh well. basically, three girls in my year have now been hospitalised for anorexia (one in year 8, one in year 9, and one this year, year 10). do i feel sorry for them? yeah, a little. am i jealous? fuck yes. i don't know why i'm jealous, i mean, i know how hard it is to have an ED. but they're getting help. people see how sick they are, and they help the. nobody would even believe i was sick. plus, they have so much more self control than me.

i wish i was stronger.

Skinny Girl Diet:)

Helloooooo! :)

so, some of you may have noticed, if you look above (^^^^) that i'm planning a "back to school 2011" diet, which you may join in on if you so wish! but i've decided that that plan is too vague, and i need a structured diet to follow! so here is my new diet!

So yeah, as you can see I changed some of the days because they have to fit around my dance classes and stuff. Because on a Monday and Saturday, I do 3 hours dance, so I can't have 100 calories, or I'd collapse!

Also, if I'm going to be going out for a meal with my parents or something, I can switch a day. Say like, I'm going for a meal on a Monday, I can swap my Monday cals with my Saturday cals, as long as through the week, I get the same amount of calories. you get me?

Finally, the unlimited fruits and vegetables. These always cause discussions because people say fruit has lots of sugar and can have quite a lot of calories in. This is true, so I'm putting a cap on the amount of fruit I have. I'm limiting myself to a small apple, and one other serving of fruit per day. If I'm not losing enough weight, I'll limit if further. Vegetables will still be unlimited though.

Has anybody else done the Skinny Girl Diet (the normal one)? If you have, let me know how you got on, and how much weight you lost!

I purged twice yesterday. My first purges of 2011.... yay(!) First time I binged, second time I just purged my dinner because I was in a bad mood. But I also took 7 laxatives, and lost 2lbs, since yesterday! :D I'm hoping for a similar weight loss by tomorrow (but I've not decided whether to take laxies again or not... so if I don't take them, I won't lose as much). I'm thinking of not taking anymore laxatives until the weekend because I don't want my body to rely on them, and also I still haven't worked out how long they take to work. I keep getting my timing wrong an they start working at 3 in the morning :| and I have school tomorrow so a) I need sleep and b) I'm not going to the toilet in school!

Anyway, I'm off to my parent review day, where basically your parents come in and talk to all your teachers. Considering I'm getting D's in most things at the moment, I'm not excited about this. Plus, my chemistry teacher thinks there's someting up with me, and can see my grades are dropping, so if she says anything, I swear I'll punch her :|

Hope your day is great, my lovelys! Also, if you have any questions for me, just ask! :D

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My ED "Toolbox"

Hey girls and guys!

Here's a few pictures of my ED box. in here, I basically have all sorts of things that I use regularly, but can't let other people find, since they're related to my eating disorder. I think the box is a great idea, as it keeps all your things together so you don't have to go hunting for them, but make sure you hide the box well!

This idea can also be applied to recovery; you can have a box with things you need for recovery. letters from friends and family, expl

aining why they want you to get better, pictures of you at a healthier weight, reasons to eat, yummy food ideas, things like that!

En

joy! if you want to make one, take a few pictures and let me know

!:)

List of what's in it:

-small notebook (the purple one with flowers); this was my 2010 food/weight diary

- 2011 diary (pink); my 2011 food/weight diary

-Andrews Salts (weak laxatives, don't use them anymore they don't work, but I used to use them)

- Dulcolax laxatives

- Sugarfree Jelly

- Sugarfree Polos

- Nail file (for distraction)

- Pen

- 5 ibuprofen

- 2 paracetamol

- "Secrets" notecards

I also have a self harm one with like "equipment for self harm" (not saying what), plasters, paracetamol, ibuprofen etc, but im not posting that on here:)

anyway, my day was alright today i think. well no, actually, it wasn't that great.

i bought some new laxatives, and THEY'RE A BIT PILE OF SHITE (no pun intended, ha). seriously, i took 4 (recommended dosage is 1-2) and they've done nothing. fml.

lots of love,

Emma! <3

What Movie Genre is Your Life?

ROMANCE
[ ] You've had the same boyfriend all through high school till now
[x ] You've fallen in love with your best friend (and him/her has fallen as well)
[ ] Danielle Steel novels are your favourite
[x ] You've had a secret admirer before
[] Your favorite kiss is the jumping on someone and kissing them deeply
[x] You love flowers
[x ] You like pop and country
[x ] You dream about the perfect wedding
[] Red or pink are one of your favorite colours (the colour of the heart)
[] You've had a guy friend/boyfriend paint your toenails before for you
[x ] You base who you'll date on how they compare to romance movies/novels
[x ] Someone you never thought would fall for you has fallen for you before.
Total: 7

COMEDY
[x ] You're well known as being a ditz
[x] You are or were the class clown
[x] You don't go a day without laughing
[x] You've embarassed yourself in front of a large group of people
[x] You're not a very serious person
[x] You crack jokes all the time
[x] People say you're really hyper.
[ ] Dane Cook is a silly bitch!
[] You like to pull pranks on people
[x] You always find the funny part of things
[x] Your life isn't perfectly planned out
[ ] Your the "spur" of the moment type person
Total: 9

DRAMA
[x ] You've spread a rumor about a friend/someone else
[x ] Someone has spread a rumour about you
[x ] You're very emotional
[x ] Theres lots of twists in your life
[ x] You're pessimistic
[x] You LOVE to get revenge
[x ] You always need to get to the bottom of things
[x ] If someone said something about you, you'd confront them about it
[] You like to/or have friends in big groups
[x ] You can't keep secrets
[ ] People tell you not to be too serious all the time
[ ] You've cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend before
Total: 9

TRAGEDY
[x] You have some form of disorder/illness
[ ] You've lost more than 4 people in your family/friends to death
[x] You've been suicidal before
[x ] You cry a lot
[x ] You're always listening to sad music
[ x] You feel like everyone is always against you
[x ] The unexpected makes you nervous
[ ] You like to bully/pick on other people
[ ] Someone getting hurt amuses you
[x ] You screw up a lot, or at least feel like you do.
[x ] People always seem to let you down.
Total: 8

HORROR
[x ] You have very vivid/scary dreams.
[x] Scaring people is fun
[ ] You've witnessed a murder/someone dying.
[ ] You always feel like someone is watching you
[ ] You LOVE being scared.
[ ] Horror movies are your favourite.
[ ] You'd like to be a ghost watcher/finder.
[] Vampires are so cool!
[ ] Loud screaming music is your thing.
[x ] You're a very timid person (get scared easily)
[x] When the phone rings, you always expect the worst.
Total: 4

CLASSIC
[x] You have good morals
[x ] You're still a virgin
[ ] You believe in marriage before sex
[] You like black and white better than color
[x ] You like dressing up really fancy
[x] You think guys should still hold doors open for you
[x] Men should approach women.
[x] Marriage is something that should be taken very seriously, and for the long haul, no matter what happens.
[ ] You wear very little makeup
[ ] You're music taste is very 60's/70's and 80's.
Total: 6

ACTION
[ ] You're always on the move
[ ] You always start fist fights
[ ] You've wished to be some sort of super hero before.
[ ] You like watching/taping fights
[ ] Wrestling is one of your favorite things to watch
[x] You've always got a comeback to something someone has said.
[ ] You think you're tough
[ ] The unexpected excites you.
[ ] You're very daring
[ ] You've been bungee jumping/or would go bungee jumping.
[x] You've survived something tragic.
Total: 2

PORN
[] You're always thinking about sex
[ ] You're very kinky
[] Sex is okay without loving someone
[ ] Sex is fun, anytime of the day.
[] You've done more than 5 sexual positions
[] It's all about foreplay!
[ ] Screw kissing, let's just get to it!
[] You've been tied up
[ ] You've had more than one partner at the same time during intercourse.
[ ] You have songs that you put on to get "in the mood"
[] You've had one of your biggest sexual fantasies fufilled
Total: 0

MUSICAL/THEATRICAL
[x ] You express yourself through some form of dancing
[x] You're always breaking out into song
[x] People can tell what mood you're in by the type of music you're listening to
[x] People tell you that you're pretty random most of the time
[x] You're always smiling
[x] You're very dramatic
[x] You like to dress up
[x ] You hope to become an actor/actress
[x] You love to dance!
[x ] You're good at doing impersonations.
[x] You over exaggerate a lot.
Total: 11

My life is a MUSICAL! :D not too surprised really, I love musical theatre <3

So anyway, now for a more general update. I got back from Belgium today. It was alright, I ate a kind of average amount, not too much. But we had a ginormous meal on the way back, I had a burger and chips. Hid half the chips in my napkin like, but still. Going to buy some new laxies tomorrow so hopefully all will be in order by the time I return to school on Thursday. I'm dreading it. I have my parent review day on Wednesday and I'm wetting myself. My parents are used to bad reports about me, but this is even worse. Like, so much worse!

But you know what? Life goes on.

Haha, New Year was eventful! I'm only 15, but in Belgium I'm allowed to drink. So my cousin and her friends decided to see just how drunk they could get me. Well.... they got me drunk. Very, very drunk! It was so amusing, but I ended up being sick in several bushes. Vodka shots + Emma = Not a good combination!

Love you all, I hope 2011 is an amazing year for you,

Emma

xxxx