off to the gym, you big fatass...

so, it sorta failed. my little food plan. i forgot my dad was working from home, so yeah. that failed epicly.

breakfast - rice cracker with hummus (100)

lunch - bread with cheese :( (295)

rice cracker with cream cheese x2 (100)

TOTAL SO FAR: 495

I was going to start the Couch to 5K today, but I'm going to the gym instead. It makes me feel better, i know exactly how many calories i've burned. but I might do the treadmill version of the C25K. I'm not sure, I'll decide. But yeah, I have to burn at least 495 cals at the gym, and then I'll eat around 400 cals for my dinner.

Thats all for now :)

Stay safe girls x

ps. i just took 6 laxatives too. oooops.

[EDIT] why the fudge aren't my laxatives working? :| it's been 4 hours, and nothing has happened. what's the point of taking them if they do fuck-all?! i just went to the gym and burnt 380cals - FAT ASS. then i ate tea which was like another 500. so total intake is 995, but i've burned 380 so... 615? ew.

i feel like death right now.

i want to die. but oh well, one day i'll be beautiful. i need to do this. i can't cope with what people expect me to do, i can't live up to these expectations. i'm a disappointment, a failure.

i need to be thin

i need to be beautiful

i need to be strong

i need to perfect

.

Umm...yeah. Thinspiration :)

umm yeah... so. my stupid blogspot totally isn't letting me upload pictures onto my thinspiration page, so I'll put them here for now. Because I really need to share some thinspo right now!
i will have hip bones. i will have a gap between my thighs. i will have visible ribs. i will be thin. i will be beautiful.

dear santa...

Weight: 160lbs

Listening to: Beauty from Pain by Superchick

Dear santa,

there's only one thing I'd like this Christmas. I'd like to be beautiful. Now. I just wish I could be beautiful and happy. Is that really too much to ask?

Love, Emma.

I know, I know, I'm totally lame. But I just... I'm so desperate. I wish all this could over and I could just be beautiful. Why can't it be easy? Why can't somebody notice all the pain I have hidden inside of me? I wish I was fucking pretty....

I can't live with myself like this. I hate the way clothes look on me; they always look so much better on my skinny friends. I hate the way I look in a leotard. In our ballet class, I refuse to take off my cardigan, no matter how hot it is, because I feel too fat. I'll be dripping in sweat, but I'd rather that than to have people see my flabby stomach.

A girl in my dance class (I teach dance to some of the 2-7 year olds, bless them!) who I've known for years, she's about 7, asked me if I was going to have a baby the other day. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I felt disgusting. I know I've been binging lately, but hell - pregnant?! I was so embarrassed and I just mumbled "no" and walked away. I feel so horrible. So, I've set myself some new targets.

Height: 5'7"

Current weight: 160lbs [BMI: 25]

Goal weight one: 154lbs [ BMI: 24.1] - hopefully by 2011

Goal weight two: 147lbs [BMI: 23.0]

Goal weight three: 140lbs [BMI: 21.9] - hopefully by beginning of February

Goal weight four: 133lbs [BMI: 20.8]

Goal weight five: 126lbs [BMI: 19.7] - hopefully by mid March

Goal weight six: 119lbs [BMI: 18.6]

Goal weight seven: 112lbs [ BMI: 17.5 = UNDERWEIGHT!] - hopefully by end of April

I watched 'Sharing the Secret' yesterday. It's about Beth, a girl with bulimia, and her mother who is a child psychologist but misses all the signs of her own daughters eating disorder. There's one scene where Beth is screaming at her mum "It's not about you" which is absolutely heart-wrenching, and actually painful to watch. It's an amazing film and I definitely advise anyone to watch it! :)

I love you all <3

xxxxxxx