PCOS + Bulimia?

So I went to the doctor's a few days ago about my irregular periods and she decided to do two things.

a) she put me on the pill. microgynon to be specific. hopefully this is going to sort out my periods since at the moment i'm getting them every few months and then they'll last weeks and ANYWAY haha tmi. but i don't think i'm reacting well to this pill. basically since I've been taking it i've fallen back into my complete depression; i can't concentrate, i'm doing no work, i'm sleeping so much... i just don't know what to do. i have exams in a week and i'm so scared that i can't get myself out of this depression.

b) she's sending me for blood tests tomorrow to see if i have PCOS (PolyCystic Ovary Syndrome). I was pretty upset about it when I got home because I realised that I might struggle to have children in the future, and if there's one thing that I've always wanted, it's babies and a family. but i'm even more upset now because i've been doing some googling, and apparently pcos can be caused by bulimia or just general yo-yoing in your diet - binging and then restricting.

i can't believe that i might have caused my own infertility. i might have prevented myself from having children. i might have crushed my only dream, because of this disorder.

i've never been so heartbroken.

.

You think this is easy? You think I want to be like this? Seven years ago I had a plan for my life, I had ambitions and hopes and dreams. I wanted to successful – I was going to go to university and get a degree, find a well-paid job and work my way up, promotion after promotion. I was going to meet a handsome, caring and intelligent man and we were going to get married. Once we were both settled into a new home together, we’d have children. Two I thought, but maybe three. We were going to be a traditional family – beautiful four bedroom home with white walls and fluffy carpets, black leather sofas and a piano for the kids to practice on in the living room. We’d have a lovely back garden with a shed for dad, a trampoline for the children and a little garden patch for me. Every night, we were going to sit down and eat our dinner together, discussing the day’s activities – congratulating each other on our achievements, helping solve any problems we’d encountered. Then eventually, the children would move out and flee to university. They’d get themselves a good degree, a great job, and the cycle would start all over again.

                I thought that by now I would be sitting in a university lecture hall and I’d be dating someone. Maybe he wouldn’t turn out to be Mr. Right, maybe he would. But I’d be succeeding, I’d be getting towards my end goals. I thought that I’d live in a house with some friends and we’d spend every day doing work, drinking coffee and moaning about stress. We’d spend the weekends getting drunk or watching films and ordering pizza and eating our body weight in pizza. We’d go on holidays – drinking holidays, sight-seeing holidays, camping holidays. London, New York, Italy, Greece, Egypt… I wanted to see it all.

                Where am I now? I’m sitting in bed and I’m trying to remind myself of all the things I have to live for. I’m trying to remember why I’ve carried on so far, why I should keep carrying on. I’m telling myself that there are people that love me, and that I need to focus on my own health and my own desires. I’m convincing myself that things can get better – that things will get better. I’m listing the things that I will do to change my life. I’ll change tomorrow. Maybe the day after. I’m reminding myself why I’m alive. I’m telling myself why I shouldn’t die.

                But at the same time, there’s another voice in my head. It’s telling me I’m worthless, that I’m not worth trying to save. It’s telling me that I’m weak for giving in, for giving up. It’s saying that I’m not trying hard enough, and everybody can tell from my appearance. Everyone can see that I’m not restricting as much, that exercise is a thing of a past. They all know that I’m binging more; they can tell from my rounder shape and thicker thighs and my chubbier cheeks. It’s telling me that I don’t deserve to be alive right now, that I’m pathetic and stupid and disgusting and weak and embarrassing and ugly and fat and I’m a failure.

                It’s telling me to kill myself and I don’t know how to make it stop. 

dear santa...

Weight: 160lbs

Listening to: Beauty from Pain by Superchick

Dear santa,

there's only one thing I'd like this Christmas. I'd like to be beautiful. Now. I just wish I could be beautiful and happy. Is that really too much to ask?

Love, Emma.

I know, I know, I'm totally lame. But I just... I'm so desperate. I wish all this could over and I could just be beautiful. Why can't it be easy? Why can't somebody notice all the pain I have hidden inside of me? I wish I was fucking pretty....

I can't live with myself like this. I hate the way clothes look on me; they always look so much better on my skinny friends. I hate the way I look in a leotard. In our ballet class, I refuse to take off my cardigan, no matter how hot it is, because I feel too fat. I'll be dripping in sweat, but I'd rather that than to have people see my flabby stomach.

A girl in my dance class (I teach dance to some of the 2-7 year olds, bless them!) who I've known for years, she's about 7, asked me if I was going to have a baby the other day. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I felt disgusting. I know I've been binging lately, but hell - pregnant?! I was so embarrassed and I just mumbled "no" and walked away. I feel so horrible. So, I've set myself some new targets.

Height: 5'7"

Current weight: 160lbs [BMI: 25]

Goal weight one: 154lbs [ BMI: 24.1] - hopefully by 2011

Goal weight two: 147lbs [BMI: 23.0]

Goal weight three: 140lbs [BMI: 21.9] - hopefully by beginning of February

Goal weight four: 133lbs [BMI: 20.8]

Goal weight five: 126lbs [BMI: 19.7] - hopefully by mid March

Goal weight six: 119lbs [BMI: 18.6]

Goal weight seven: 112lbs [ BMI: 17.5 = UNDERWEIGHT!] - hopefully by end of April

I watched 'Sharing the Secret' yesterday. It's about Beth, a girl with bulimia, and her mother who is a child psychologist but misses all the signs of her own daughters eating disorder. There's one scene where Beth is screaming at her mum "It's not about you" which is absolutely heart-wrenching, and actually painful to watch. It's an amazing film and I definitely advise anyone to watch it! :)

I love you all <3

xxxxxxx