dear santa...

Weight: 160lbs

Listening to: Beauty from Pain by Superchick

Dear santa,

there's only one thing I'd like this Christmas. I'd like to be beautiful. Now. I just wish I could be beautiful and happy. Is that really too much to ask?

Love, Emma.

I know, I know, I'm totally lame. But I just... I'm so desperate. I wish all this could over and I could just be beautiful. Why can't it be easy? Why can't somebody notice all the pain I have hidden inside of me? I wish I was fucking pretty....

I can't live with myself like this. I hate the way clothes look on me; they always look so much better on my skinny friends. I hate the way I look in a leotard. In our ballet class, I refuse to take off my cardigan, no matter how hot it is, because I feel too fat. I'll be dripping in sweat, but I'd rather that than to have people see my flabby stomach.

A girl in my dance class (I teach dance to some of the 2-7 year olds, bless them!) who I've known for years, she's about 7, asked me if I was going to have a baby the other day. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I felt disgusting. I know I've been binging lately, but hell - pregnant?! I was so embarrassed and I just mumbled "no" and walked away. I feel so horrible. So, I've set myself some new targets.

Height: 5'7"

Current weight: 160lbs [BMI: 25]

Goal weight one: 154lbs [ BMI: 24.1] - hopefully by 2011

Goal weight two: 147lbs [BMI: 23.0]

Goal weight three: 140lbs [BMI: 21.9] - hopefully by beginning of February

Goal weight four: 133lbs [BMI: 20.8]

Goal weight five: 126lbs [BMI: 19.7] - hopefully by mid March

Goal weight six: 119lbs [BMI: 18.6]

Goal weight seven: 112lbs [ BMI: 17.5 = UNDERWEIGHT!] - hopefully by end of April

I watched 'Sharing the Secret' yesterday. It's about Beth, a girl with bulimia, and her mother who is a child psychologist but misses all the signs of her own daughters eating disorder. There's one scene where Beth is screaming at her mum "It's not about you" which is absolutely heart-wrenching, and actually painful to watch. It's an amazing film and I definitely advise anyone to watch it! :)

I love you all <3

xxxxxxx

allow me to introduce myself :)

hello there!

i'm emma, and i'm a fifteen year old girl who lives in England. i'm in year 10, and am studying for my gcse's.

thirteen fast facts!

one. i have had an eating disorder for the past 2.5 years.

two. i don't know what ED i have. i binge, purge, starve, you name it.

three. i hate labels.

four. i have also suffered depression and self harm for 3 years.

five. i care too much about what others think of me.

six. i play guitar and piano, as well as singing and writing my own songs.

seven. i hope to someday become a successful singer/songwriter.

eight. taylor swift is my musical inspiration.

nine. i have OCD, which leads me to do lots of weird things.

ten. one of these is breathing out when i walk past a bin, otherwise the smell contaminates me.

eleven. i am quite clever and a perfectionist, and think this is why i got an eating disorder.

twelve. i also blame my mum.

thirteen. thirteen is my lucky number :)

"no matter where you run, you're only gonna end up running into yourself"

i am a dancer; modern, disco, tap and ballet. i love all styles of dance, but I feel like it's a dead end for me because i'm too fat to be a dancer. have you ever seen a fat dancer?

i'm on pointe, but i hate it because i can't do it and everyone else in my class can, and i blame that on how fat i am.

i have tried self-recovery three times, but i always relapse.

so now i've given up. im just listening to my eating disorder from now on, and doing whatever it wants me to do.