i want to die.

i don't know what to write.

my brain is a jumble.

every thought inside me is messed up.

i can't think.

why can't i think?

why can't i be normal?

why can't i be fucking happy?

i hated today, i don't know why. i gained half a pound. 0.5lbs. half of a pound. a minimal amount. and it put me in a shitttttty mood, so when my sister dragged me shopping i was not best pleased. i ended up getting pissed off with her, storming off and then standing in the corner of H&M desperately clawing at/biting the back of my hands, just to feel something. yeah. self harming in H&M.

pathetic.

then i got home, went to church, had tea. i could deal with it - just. then dad "treats" me to ice cream, with a meringue nest and sauce. i couldn't say no, he was so proud. so i ate it and freaked out and then purged for about an hour. i haven't purged in months. BUT I DID! and then i took 7 laxatives, like 2 hours ago so i'm going to up all fucking night shitting. fun way to spend a friday night....

so then i wanted it all to end. i just wanted to give up. i didn't see the point of living, so i got out my box of paracetamol and started counting. i was fully prepared to kill myself, then i spoke to the girls on Anabites. they put things in perspective and i put the pills away. I decided to do that 1 to 1 chat thing that Childline do (i know, i'm pathetic), but she wasn't very helpful. she just kept going "you need to get help" and i was like "i know, but i'm scared." "well be courageous, and get help. you need it!" I FUCKING KNOW I NEED IT. I AM ABOUT TO KILL MYSELF, I KNOW I NEED HELP. oh, and then to top it off, i mentioned something about feeling stupid because i didn't have a bmi of about 11. and she goes "well yeah, you're obviously not as ill as though people, but you need help before you get to that stage..." what the fuck. how does that help?! "you're not really that ill, but oh well." stupid cow.

so yeah. i think i'll be okay. i don't think i'm going to do anything stupid. but i just... i haven't reached this low many times. but it's happening more often, and that scares me shitless. one day i'm going to lose it, and end up dead.

goodnight.

off to the gym, you big fatass...

so, it sorta failed. my little food plan. i forgot my dad was working from home, so yeah. that failed epicly.

breakfast - rice cracker with hummus (100)

lunch - bread with cheese :( (295)

rice cracker with cream cheese x2 (100)

TOTAL SO FAR: 495

I was going to start the Couch to 5K today, but I'm going to the gym instead. It makes me feel better, i know exactly how many calories i've burned. but I might do the treadmill version of the C25K. I'm not sure, I'll decide. But yeah, I have to burn at least 495 cals at the gym, and then I'll eat around 400 cals for my dinner.

Thats all for now :)

Stay safe girls x

ps. i just took 6 laxatives too. oooops.

[EDIT] why the fudge aren't my laxatives working? :| it's been 4 hours, and nothing has happened. what's the point of taking them if they do fuck-all?! i just went to the gym and burnt 380cals - FAT ASS. then i ate tea which was like another 500. so total intake is 995, but i've burned 380 so... 615? ew.

i feel like death right now.

i want to die. but oh well, one day i'll be beautiful. i need to do this. i can't cope with what people expect me to do, i can't live up to these expectations. i'm a disappointment, a failure.

i need to be thin

i need to be beautiful

i need to be strong

i need to perfect

.

eating a fat piece of cake, eh!

as i write this, i am writing a homemade (aka sugary, fatty) piece of cake. oops. i lost 1.25lbs since yesterday, cos i took laxatives and stuff but now i've gained. it's shitty.

i am an effing fatty. i need to lose weight. i need to need to need to need to need to. i'm hoping to be like 120lbs by summer (LAWL AS IF!)

i don't even have anything else to write. i just need to go die.

i want to be 10lbs down by the end of april. that is all.

[EDIT] Tomorrows food plan;

breakfast - home alone, nothing

lunch - rice cake with small amount of low fat spreading cheese and a teaspoon of salsa (40 cals)

dinner - 400 cals

also i'm going to take about 4 laxatives. wooot :|

Skinny Girl Diet:)

Helloooooo! :)

so, some of you may have noticed, if you look above (^^^^) that i'm planning a "back to school 2011" diet, which you may join in on if you so wish! but i've decided that that plan is too vague, and i need a structured diet to follow! so here is my new diet!

So yeah, as you can see I changed some of the days because they have to fit around my dance classes and stuff. Because on a Monday and Saturday, I do 3 hours dance, so I can't have 100 calories, or I'd collapse!

Also, if I'm going to be going out for a meal with my parents or something, I can switch a day. Say like, I'm going for a meal on a Monday, I can swap my Monday cals with my Saturday cals, as long as through the week, I get the same amount of calories. you get me?

Finally, the unlimited fruits and vegetables. These always cause discussions because people say fruit has lots of sugar and can have quite a lot of calories in. This is true, so I'm putting a cap on the amount of fruit I have. I'm limiting myself to a small apple, and one other serving of fruit per day. If I'm not losing enough weight, I'll limit if further. Vegetables will still be unlimited though.

Has anybody else done the Skinny Girl Diet (the normal one)? If you have, let me know how you got on, and how much weight you lost!

I purged twice yesterday. My first purges of 2011.... yay(!) First time I binged, second time I just purged my dinner because I was in a bad mood. But I also took 7 laxatives, and lost 2lbs, since yesterday! :D I'm hoping for a similar weight loss by tomorrow (but I've not decided whether to take laxies again or not... so if I don't take them, I won't lose as much). I'm thinking of not taking anymore laxatives until the weekend because I don't want my body to rely on them, and also I still haven't worked out how long they take to work. I keep getting my timing wrong an they start working at 3 in the morning :| and I have school tomorrow so a) I need sleep and b) I'm not going to the toilet in school!

Anyway, I'm off to my parent review day, where basically your parents come in and talk to all your teachers. Considering I'm getting D's in most things at the moment, I'm not excited about this. Plus, my chemistry teacher thinks there's someting up with me, and can see my grades are dropping, so if she says anything, I swear I'll punch her :|

Hope your day is great, my lovelys! Also, if you have any questions for me, just ask! :D

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