"nothing tastes as good as..." YES IT FUCKING DOES.

apologies for the language in the title, but i'm peeved off. "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". now i'm not denying that i've used that in the past, I still do. but it irritates me. i'm not thin, i don't know how thin feels. but i DO know that ben&jerry's ice cream tastes freaking good. there's a few girls from my school who always post that as their facebook statuses. their not even anorexic. urgh.

ANYWAY!

intake was rather shitty today, not even going to write it here. i had a mini binge (2 teaspoons of honey and a slice of cheese with thai sweet chilli sauce - yah, i binge on weird food) but my lunch was worse. me and my sister were at home so we went to Tesco and bought smiley faces and chicken D: they were so yummy, but it was like 600 calories just for that. daaaamn.

then i went to the gym, burnt about 350 calories and then did a half hour walk home. i also took 6 laxatives, same as yesterday, and yesterday i lost 2.5lbs. i know it's water weight, i'm not stupid. but i don't care. the numbers going down, and that's what i need to see right now. so yeah, i'm a little peeved off, but i think i can handle it with cutting. i haven't cut in a loooong time (over two months i think? =D)

my mum totally pisses me off though. she came home from work and this was our conversation.

her: did you revise today?

me: yeah (this was actually true)

her: how much?

me: about 4 or 5 hours? (again, true)

her: *disappointed sigh*

me: what's up now?

her: do you want to pass your exams or not? all you seem to do is sit on your arse.

me: i did 5 hours revision!

her: when I was your age, i did about 10 hours a day, for weeks before

me: okay, and i don't?

her: you're going to fail emma

me: i have one gcse mother. it is not going to take me 1000 hours revision to learn it :| i do 100x more revision than anybody else i know, and you're still pushing me harder. what do you want from me?

her: for you to pass your gcse's.

eugh, i could have killed her. she seriously screws around my brain :|

love you all,

Emma xxxxx

off to the gym, you big fatass...

so, it sorta failed. my little food plan. i forgot my dad was working from home, so yeah. that failed epicly.

breakfast - rice cracker with hummus (100)

lunch - bread with cheese :( (295)

rice cracker with cream cheese x2 (100)

TOTAL SO FAR: 495

I was going to start the Couch to 5K today, but I'm going to the gym instead. It makes me feel better, i know exactly how many calories i've burned. but I might do the treadmill version of the C25K. I'm not sure, I'll decide. But yeah, I have to burn at least 495 cals at the gym, and then I'll eat around 400 cals for my dinner.

Thats all for now :)

Stay safe girls x

ps. i just took 6 laxatives too. oooops.

[EDIT] why the fudge aren't my laxatives working? :| it's been 4 hours, and nothing has happened. what's the point of taking them if they do fuck-all?! i just went to the gym and burnt 380cals - FAT ASS. then i ate tea which was like another 500. so total intake is 995, but i've burned 380 so... 615? ew.

i feel like death right now.

i want to die. but oh well, one day i'll be beautiful. i need to do this. i can't cope with what people expect me to do, i can't live up to these expectations. i'm a disappointment, a failure.

i need to be thin

i need to be beautiful

i need to be strong

i need to perfect

.