"nothing tastes as good as..." YES IT FUCKING DOES.

apologies for the language in the title, but i'm peeved off. "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". now i'm not denying that i've used that in the past, I still do. but it irritates me. i'm not thin, i don't know how thin feels. but i DO know that ben&jerry's ice cream tastes freaking good. there's a few girls from my school who always post that as their facebook statuses. their not even anorexic. urgh.

ANYWAY!

intake was rather shitty today, not even going to write it here. i had a mini binge (2 teaspoons of honey and a slice of cheese with thai sweet chilli sauce - yah, i binge on weird food) but my lunch was worse. me and my sister were at home so we went to Tesco and bought smiley faces and chicken D: they were so yummy, but it was like 600 calories just for that. daaaamn.

then i went to the gym, burnt about 350 calories and then did a half hour walk home. i also took 6 laxatives, same as yesterday, and yesterday i lost 2.5lbs. i know it's water weight, i'm not stupid. but i don't care. the numbers going down, and that's what i need to see right now. so yeah, i'm a little peeved off, but i think i can handle it with cutting. i haven't cut in a loooong time (over two months i think? =D)

my mum totally pisses me off though. she came home from work and this was our conversation.

her: did you revise today?

me: yeah (this was actually true)

her: how much?

me: about 4 or 5 hours? (again, true)

her: *disappointed sigh*

me: what's up now?

her: do you want to pass your exams or not? all you seem to do is sit on your arse.

me: i did 5 hours revision!

her: when I was your age, i did about 10 hours a day, for weeks before

me: okay, and i don't?

her: you're going to fail emma

me: i have one gcse mother. it is not going to take me 1000 hours revision to learn it :| i do 100x more revision than anybody else i know, and you're still pushing me harder. what do you want from me?

her: for you to pass your gcse's.

eugh, i could have killed her. she seriously screws around my brain :|

love you all,

Emma xxxxx

Simply having a wonderful christmas time (HA!)

Well.

Christmas was not particularly fun! i spent about 2 hours on christmas monring working out because i knew i'd have to eat a lot and my laxatives weren't working very well. so then i ate, then spent the evening praying that i wouldn't kill myself. it was horrific.

then on boxing day i ate a lot of food, and today i ate burger king, curry, everything. its disgusting. i've gained so much weight.

also, i think my cousin might have an eating disorder. i'm so worried about her. she tried on a pair of size 8 jeans and they didn't fit, so she got a size 10 and was really upset about it. but i mean, she used to be a size 16 last time i saw her, and that was only about 2 months ago. and yesterday she just had a bit of salad and a quarter of a sandwich, and a few chocolates. and today she just had a teeny bit of rice. and this is the girl who once ate an entire tub of ice cream with me, who used to have races with her sister of who could eat a giant hot dog the fastest.

but the thing is, my first reaction wasn't to worry about her. no. are you ready? it was jealousy. i was fucking JEALOUS that she had more self control than me, and she'd lost more weight than me. how messed up am i?!

anyway, i don't want to write anymore, i just want to forget all this ever happened.

i hope you all had a good christmas, i love you all. thanks for following by the way, please comment with any questions or whatever! :)

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Christmas has officially started....

Well...

the Christmas period has certainly started for me. i ate waaaaaay too much! and its not even Christmas Eve yet. wtf? so, "what did you eat?" i hear you ask. well, if you really want to know...

Breakfast - none

Lunch - homemade vegetable soup - 50

1/6 of quiche - 150

And then it all started to get messy

Snack - Doritos - 250

Dinner - Omlette - 200

Oven chips - 300

As well as half a barcardi breezer and like 5 chocolate liquers. oh dear.

And tomorrow it's Christmas Eve. Well, Christmas Eve is a large event in our family. We head to Church around 4.30 and then afterwards we have a full on meal. You know, little nibbles to start with, then a main course and a dessert. not good. we're having loads of crisps and stuff before our meal, then a big sit down meal. then for dessert we're having a cheese board, which i love love love but have a lot lot lot of calories. EW.

and then for Christmas Day we're obviously having a Christmas dinner and then loads of chocolates and all that stuff. i'm dreading it. I want to enjoy it, but i know that even if i enjoy it at the time, i'll regret it later. but if i sit around not eating, then i'll not have a fun christmas, and christmas is only once a year. so i can't decide what to do. MEH.

anything interesting happen for you guys?

love love love,

Emma <3